Three F's

The 3 F's of life

Forgive the past
Forget the future
Focus on the day

I'd like to think I'm a pretty strong person, I've been put through the wire emotionally for 10 months or so. I just ended a graduate assistantship program and learned what type of coach I want to be to build and mold athletes on multiple levels. Struggled to find the opening to pursue this the past 4 months. I just got out of a 5 year relationship/ 1 year engagement that I guess we were both on different levels in life at this point in time. I've had friends judge me for the decisions I make about my future. The things I thought I wanted the past 10 months has changed drastically. Have I become a different person because of it all? YES I can't say I wasn't changed by the ending relationships, the constant rejections, the drop numbers in support when I turned down opportunities. 

I started to become one of those cynical people. The people in the V can agree to that statement I found no positives in life anymore. You hurt inside when you don't forgive the past. It can tear a person up. It made me not want to trust anyone. I let people go, I let in the wrong people who in return hurt me. What do you do about it? Look at yourself in the mirror and say it's ok I forgive the past. I can't control the future. I need to focus on the day. Take a deep breath and move on. 

I'm usually a half glass full person but not anymore. I have friends that no longer support me for various reasons and that is understandable after breaking a heart, not taking their advice on a job etc. I know I hurt people in my decision process. I was hurt too. Making decisions about what I WANTED to do was not easy. But it is my path to walk and I'm the only one can walk it. 

I'm at peace with the decisions I've made and I'm embarking on a opportunity that I think will fully make me a better person, coach, and friend. I deeply apologize to those I've shut out, not lived up to your expectations but it's my life and I know you want the best but I want the best for me as well. I believe I've made the right choices in life. I'm learning, I'm not perfect and NEVER claimed to be. I apologize for those I've hurt, believe me I didn't want to hurt anyone.  

I believe I'm embarking on the best opportunity for me at the moment. My career. I'm focusing on me and getting to where I need to be. I want to impact the lives of those I work with and I believe I can continue doing that in the new position I just took. It may not be the best financially but it is a foot in the door that I need. I'm ready for the future but focus on day to to day. 

Sorry for the ramblings but I'm tired of being judged for my past. They were my decisions I've let it go so should be those who care for me. 



Till Next Time, 

Alice 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

Apology

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a hole and no matter how hard you tried to fight your way up to the top you just couldn't? Or you have a nightmare and your trying to run away and you just can't? What do you end up doing when your in these positions? Say it's not real and focus on what you can do to change it?

This blog is very hard for me to admit and I'm not doing it for people to feel sorry for me or pity me. If I can help someone with this blog by writing what I've gone through then I would feel like some sort of light was brought out of a dark time.

This summer has been full of lessons and losses. I've had to deal with some very difficult situations that maybe only a couple of people know about. I lost control of me. I've become very cynical, hard and cold to the world. I wouldn't self diagnosis myself with depression but I believe not eating, and sleeping  and feeling like the world is against me is getting close. I have found myself not wanting to get close to anyone anymore, and started shutting people out except a select few. I apologize to my family and friends who have tried to help me but I just wanted to be alone.

I'm sorry to those that I hurt within a few months. I lost a few people in my life due to different situations that I can never change. People change, situations change and I know I hurt people. I got tired of caring  which is difficult for any one who knows me because caring is what I do.I became selfish and only thought of me and my wants and desires. Which in return let go a bunch of people in my life that I will probably never regain.

I'm trying to get out of this dark time and focus on getting back to where I was before and putting others first. Stop focusing on me, start a job, start believing in others again and pushing them to become better because overall that is what made me happy and a better person for. If people can't accept that then they are the ones that need to leave my life not the ones who I pushed away.

I don't regret any of it. It has taught me balance. The balance of being selfish and caring for others. I must focus on reaching my goals of trying to be successful but at the same time look at those who I'm going to be interacting with and changing their lives.

Now I believe the light is at the end of the tunnel and I've found a rope where I can slowly climb out of. Not all your wants and desires are going to come true, but don't shut people out trying to reach them if they are not happening. I'm sorry again to all those I've hurt or come across stern, and cold. Everyone has problems they face and I let mine get the best of me.

Till Next Time,

Alice

Cinder Track Memoirs

I decided to go burn off some steam by running 400m repeats. Yes I just ran a marathon a week ago and should take time off. BLAHH BLAH BLAH I've heard it before. I know I should take time off but that's not me. Running is what helps me think, and feel better overall. Working out hard just gives me confidence and restores my faith even if it does tear my body up. We get old anyways lol.. I ran a mile to the hs cinder black track and did 6x400m @ 80-82 w/ 1.5 standing recovery. Not much work,  but better then nothing for me. 

After I finished my repeats I stood at the starting line of this 400m cinder black track Looking around at how track may be taken away from me. I took in the smell and how I love the smell of track, how the white lanes needed to be repainted, where the exchange zones were, how the long jump runway was short, how lane one there was a rise in the track, I took in the solitude of standing alone on this track and how at home I felt. How natural I become when I'm on a track. The serenity of this is where I belong.  I got to thinking of how basically half of my life has been defined by track. I can't imagine my life without track in it, but I may have to. Maybe it's time to find something else that defines me. Track has taught me confidence, drive, competitiveness, leadership, character, faith, and friendship. 

It's weird how a sport can teach you about yourself. It's been a big chapter in my life but maybe it's time to  leave it all behind. It's interesting to think about how one particular thing can define you and to it possibly being gone. It's helped me grow as a person but now I think I must accept the possibility of it leaving me. Difficult to swallow but it's one that I probably have to accept.  I always have my legs ( well knock on wood)  and can run, but maybe continuing my passion into the coaching world is just not meant for me. I guess I can always teach my children one day to find the joy in track if they want. It's going to be hard for me to let go of one thing that I've always set my mind on for so long, invested so much time in to become a great coach but I must be prepared to do it. Sometimes opportunities are just not there and can't force them. Just going to be hard seeing how far I've worked to try to get out and become someone to fail.

Till Next Time, (Hopefully won't have to give up my dreams)

Alice